Look up 'slacker' in the dictionary....

... and my smiling face is there!

I work for a textbook publisher. We publish the same books I used when I went to high school. Today, the Science Director asked me to send some sample books to one of our authors, a Chemistry teacher. I had written back to said Science Director that Mr. Author was actually my Chemistry teacher. We had a good cyber-chuckle over it, and I had remembered how Mr. Author and another Chemistry teacher of mine were so cross at me senior year; I had prepared and prepared, I mean came to school on Saturdays!!!, for the Advanced Placement Chemistry test. I was a fab student; kicked Chemistry's ass. There was no formula or chemical equation I couldn't figure out. When it came time for the morning of the exam, I just didn't show up. I, instead, went to Algebra class, and in true Ilana fashion, pretended like I had nowhere else to be that morning. Mr. Author and other teacher looked for me all over school and finally found me innocently doing some Algebra problems in class. They took me out of class and begged me, I think I even saw tears, to please follow them so I could take the AP exam. I flatly refused. I was scared, I told them. They said I could get a '3' (the passing grade) in my sleep. But that wasn't good enough for me; if I didn't get a 5, I didn't even want to bother.

I was thinking about all of this now at work and it has dawned on me, like it has time and time again, that I haven't changed one bit. I am a slacker. But more than that, my slacker tendencies have a root. I'm intimidated, scared of something, and instead of facing problems head-on I just go on with the rest of my life like nothing's wrong. I have been at this job for 3 1/2 years. I told myself I'd quit after 1 1/2 years. Well, obviously, I'm stilll here. I told myself I'd quit any second but it's just that uncertainty. I'd love to portray this persona of a tough-as-nails New Yorker, but that just ain't me. When the going gets tough, Ilana hides under her desk and hopes no one will find her. Eeek, too much info. All I'm trying to say is I'm trying to improve my life, and while doing so, I don't know how much cooking and creating I can accomplish, but I am trying, honest. Having a blog doesn't give you the luxury of disappearing from the face of the Earth, which I tend to do very well.